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BELIEFS AND THEIR POWER TO SHAPE YOU

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

Whatever you assume to be true..
will become real for you

--Dr. Robert Anthony

The work we do could be loosely defined by a workshop we presented 14 years ago. It was called “Change Your Beliefs…Change Your Life.” My life and business partner and I developed it on the basis that what you become what you believe…not what you wish for, want or dream about…but what you truly believe! One of the ideas we present to clients is that if they don’t change their beliefs their life might remain the same forever. Then comes a hard truth to confront; is that good …or bad news?

After years of training in the human potential movement and self-development field we consistently see how beliefs move us forward …or hold us back. It is something David and I continually evaluate both personally and professionally. After experiencing many transformational changes we have committed our lives to assisting others. We offer techniques that improve the quality of their lives so they can also discover inner peace, balance, order and harmony rather than continuing in patterns of struggle, strife and pain.

It has become more commonly understood that people move towards whatever they picture in their minds…and believe to be ‘true’ whether it makes sense to anyone else or not. Our position is this; if the image works then by all means keep doing and believing it. However, when unwanted circumstances keep repeating it may be time to pause and ask why. So often people lament and cry out in anguish; “Why is this happening to me AGAIN!” In our observation they often spend time in evaluations, assessments, criticisms, judgments, opinions, convictions, laws, rules, procedures, schemes and of course making up their minds! Once their minds are made up and a set of beliefs are formed there is usually a loud clunk, it is the sound of their minds closing shut.

With those individuals we have found the best way to approach things is to either let them be…or use my husband’s skydiving analogy that the mind is like a parachute…it works best when open. The more we open our minds the more we learn. Even if we’re not doing it ‘right’ there is still a lesson there…how not to do it the next time! Thoughts and beliefs shape behaviors, words actions and circumstances but do not make people what they are. However, they do reveal who they have chosen to be up to that point. There is an undeniable reality that we continually act upon our thoughts and those actions create our experiences. For some the challenge to take complete responsibility for the consequences of their choices making is a difficult process. Many refuse to acknowledge that the only real limits are created through self-limiting attitudes and behaviors.
Within the human condition it is often easier to blame others for where they are. However, as awareness develops it becomes easier to understand and accept that we are the writer, director, and producer of the ideas, and images that become belief systems. No one can have a feeling without first having a thought. Behavior is based upon feelings and they affect thoughts and beliefs. With our approach we do not focus on changing behavior…but suggest changing thought patterns and take an ‘inside out’ approach rather than the other way around. To some it may sound somewhat simplistic…but there are growing bodies of evidence that when we change beliefs life changes and usually for the better! Carl Jung put it this way; “Your vision will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside dreams…who looks inside…awakens! I could not agree more. Sowing and Reaping

There is no such as luck. Nothing ever happens by chance. Everything, good or bad, that comes into your life is there as a result of unvarying, inescapable LAW. And the only operator of the law is none other than yourself. No one else has ever done you any harm of any kind, or ever could do sp, however much it may seem that he did. Consciously or unconsciously you have yourself a tone time or another produced every condition, desirable or undesirable, that you find in either your bodily health to your circumstance today. You, and you alone, ordered those goods; and now they are being delivered. And as long as you go on thinking wrongly about yourself and about life, the same sort of difficulties will continue to harass you. For every seed must inevitably bring forth after its own kind., and thought is the seed of destiny.

Yet there is a simple way out of trouble. Learn how to think rightly instead of wrongly, and conditions at once will begin to improve until, sooner or later, all ill-health, poverty, and inharmony must disappear. Such is the law of life. Life need not be a battle, it can, and should be a glorious mystical adventure, but living is a science.

Emmet Fox

THE BLAME GAME... OR LACK ACCOUNTABILITY DYNAMIC

By Coralie Raia Darsey-Malloy

Our society allows people to be totally out of touch with their feelings and everyone else's...and yet appear to be very respectable.

--Ntozae Shange

It would appear that it is becoming increasingly trendier for people to play ‘The Blame Game.’ As we listen to the news, read the papers or observe everyday people there are growing numbers who would rather blame instead of assuming responsibility for their own actions. As numbers have increased it seems that blaming has become an accepted norm and now permeates different areas of life. For example years ago there was a number of ‘waves’ that included The Inner Child Movement and The Adult Children of Alcoholics Movement. Now let me ask you…what independent, emotionally mature individual would ever want to define themselves as, “the adult CHILD” of anyone? Even after growing up with an abusive alcoholic father and an enabling mother… I would never willingly choose to label myself an ‘adult child.’ I was too busy pursing my healing journey and doing course corrections so my past would not rule my present and future. The foundation of my belief systems and the work I do as a life coach, group leader and public speaker involves…response---ability. Respond to the circumstances of life…with ability. No matter how much some try to resist the concept…we are responsible for the choices made…and there are always consequences whether the dots are connected or not.

As I am writing this my mind rapidly recalls sterling examples of the blame game. I vividly remember my reaction a few years ago when a woman sued McDonald’s because she burned herself while attempting to open the lid. What is going on within our society that a woman who spilled coffee on herself and is awarded million for her own stupidity? Then there was the man who cut off his hand due to mental illness. When he arrived at the hospital, he refused the surgeons effort to re-attach the hand. Afterwards this same individual was cognitive enough to launch a lawsuit against the doctors and the hospital. Within his righteous indignation he blamed them for not over-riding his objections and surgically re-attaching his hand. He probably would have found some reason to sue them if they had proceeded…so they were in a no win situation. Such is the dynamics of those who choose to blame…rather than change or accept responsibility for the choices made.

Oh my mental filing system just recalled another one. Here is how the blame game was used to allow a killer avoid conviction for murder, even though he openly admitted to his guilt. Why? His cocaine addiction was used as a defense. In his defense the lawyer pleaded the case and claimed his client was too “high” to be held accountable for his actions. So that is a great message! Choose to use your right of free will…kill someone and then blame the drugs rather than yourself for the outcome. What message is this sending out to our young people? It is positively alarming to think that they are being shown that it is possible to get away things…if they learn how to play the blame game correctly.

In a trip through the United States we were chatting with a number of people who expressed growing concern about the number of frivolous law suits being launched without much provocation. Now I am not saying that lawsuits do not have their place…often they are a way of creating accountability. However, some Americans shared that they think suing people has become a national pass time with the comment; “I will sue you,” being almost as common as; “Have a nice day.” From my perspective there are numerous small and large demonstrations of whining, immaturity from those who lack the awareness, the ability or the inclination to become accountable for their actions and reactions. Within a growing complacency it appears that it easier to pass the buck and blame parents, school systems, governments, religion, the medical model, terrorism…or a myriad of other outside sources rather doing something to incite change. God forbid that people would sit down and ask themselves, “What part did I play in this? Am I part of the solution…or part of the problem? "What is the message here, could I learn something about myself …maybe I could respond differently…or choose something different?

On a larger scale the global need to bring goods to consumers in the fastest way possible led to numerous catastrophes without any concern for the consequences. In the mid sixties, the first major oil spill happened in England. The companies “blamed” the weather and proceeded to make larger super tankers to transport more oil across the oceans. In 1989 a drunken captain made a tactical error in judgment and over 100,000 birds and wildlife died as a result of the Exxon Valdez. Has anything changed…not much? Even through the spills may not be to the same degree when it happens the results are just as deadly. Is anyone really holding these companies accountable? What will it take for consumers and companies alike to truly accept that their actions…and results.

Speaking about short term thinking and the long range effects…how about the decision made by Provincial and Federal Governments in Canada? An accord was signed late in the eighties to reduce emissions caused by fossil fuels. Instead of enforcing this accord, the government decided to allow the large conglomerates to initiate their own changes. Talk about foxes tending the hen house. The only changes the corporations initiated were a few letters of intent without follow-through. Consequently, there have been increases in the amount of fossil fuels Canada is producing. New oil fields are being developed, drilled and mined. There are plans for a dramatic increase in the overall production of fossil fuels in the next twenty-five years. Scientists have estimated that this lack of accountability has increased the amount of emissions since the signing of the accord. Why? They cannot afford to change fossil fuel production because it would affect our economy adversely. However…there are many options available and multi-billionaire Richard Branson of Virgin airlines is actively developing clean fuel to run his planes. He is a groundbreaking possibility thinker who is committed to walking his talk about environmental concerns and global warming. He has made his fortune without the customary blame, excuses, and denial that many claim as their reason for pursuing the almighty dollar and mortgaging the health of our planet.

Finally, I also am troubled by how the media uses its advertising dollars and spin machines to foster a belief system that favors irresponsible behavior. It continually sensationalizes the shadow side of stories and fear-based thinking. Of course…why not amplify the power of youth gangs and attach importance to their power? Wouldn't it make more sense to give our impressionable young people a more desirable choice? Establishing more youth centers and mentors for them could help them build an alternative sense of belonging. It portrays their power and re-enforces fear. Why not bombard the senses with all that is wrong in the world without offering any respite or suggestions for change? It is just the kind of thing that immobilizes people and prevents them from taking action. Media coverage often creates a perception that changes cannot occur and things are in a hopeless helpless downspin of negativity. Many viewer complain that the good, positive and problem solving stories do not hold viewer’s attention…so with that in mind they are not about to change the lens…why would they? What happened to the idea that each of us needs to assume responsibility for our own attitude and actions?

I write about ‘perspectives. ' I cannot help but question what it will it take for people to demand that individuals, politicians and major companies stop blaming and become accountable? The prophetic word of Alexander Solzhenitsyn resonates with a call to every human being as we move towards through this millennium; “The salvation of humankind lies only in making EVERYTHING the concern of all.” I could not agree more…how about you…do you have a perspective you’d like to share?

BENEFITS OF BISON AS THE OTHER RED MEAT

By Coralie R. Darsey-Malloy
Previously published in the Aquarian
All rights reserved




Bison meat in our cuisine is making a comeback like the animals themselves. From a low of about 1000 bison in the late 1800s, herds across North America now number close to 500,000 animals. If people feel the need to eat meat, they might like to consider the health benefits of bison. I fully understand and accept the value of vegetarian diets for those whose belief systems and biology are aligned that way. However, I also know that vegetarianism does not support all body types and mine is one of them.

After overcoming bulemia and anorexia in the late eighties, I researched vegetarianism and did my best to assure that my new diet provided enough protein and nutrients. However, after a year on that regime, I started to put on a flabby type of weight. Through time, my muscles became even more flaccid although I was exercising regularly.

In that period, I was working as a health consultant and hosting a talk show on cablevision called Perspectives on Balanced Living. Through my work I met people from all walks of life. A few of them were touting the benefits of bison meat and other wild game because they provided healthy, low fat sources of protein. Among them was naturopath Dr. George Kroeker. I became a patient of his during my vegetarian phase to consult with him about a variety of health problems.

Dr. Kroeker became my mentor as well and under his guidance I developed a greater understanding of the healing power of nature. He told me that part of Hippocratic Oath states: I will apply dietetic measures for the benefit of the sick according to my ability and judgment.

He suggested that in order to re-gain strength, I needed to introduce animal proteins back into my diet even though it conflicted with my belief systems at that time. He bluntly said I had a choice to make: I could either hold to my ideals of remaining a vegetarian or eat lean meat and regain my health. He was a strong advocate of bison and other game because they are nutrient-dense meats, low in fat and easier to digest. He preferred bison meat, but depending on availability, suggested venison, emu, ostrich and rabbit as other options.

To help balance blood sugar imbalances, he recommended six mini-meals a day that included lean, low-fat protein (especially bison) along with plenty of raw and lightly cooked vegetables, whole grains and fruit. After some consideration, I decided to heed his counsel.

Shortly after adding bison to my diet, I noticed an increase in energy, reduction in hypoglycemic symptoms, decrease in numbing and tingling of my hands and feet, and an overall improvement in body strength and lean muscle mass. The positive changes motivated me to research the why of what was occurring.

Bison for B12



Dr. Kroeker was ahead of his time when he pointed out what others are discovering today that some people who eliminate all meat from their diet may be at risk of developing B12 deficiencies. For example, George Newman, MD, stroke expert at a medical school and centre in Stony Brook, Long Island, discovered that hidden deficiencies are becoming more apparent as health conscious individuals hit middle age.

Dr. Newman discovered that up to 20 percent of his patients following meatless diets were developing B12 deficiencies and neurological damage. Newman claimed that red meat is among the best sources of vitamin B12 although it can also be absorbed from fish (especially salmon), chicken and supplements.

Another reason I like bison is that so far they are raised without steroids, hormones or animal by-products in their feed. That means there are no drug residues and the meat is usually easier to digest by people with red meat intolerance. Also, with bison having less fat and being a denser meat, people tend to eat less of it than other kinds of meat. It is important for consumers to know that, depending on the cut, bison meat cooks faster. Most people who have said they dont like it have usually overcooked it.


 Cooking with Bison "There is no such thing as tough bison meat, only improperly instructed cooks." So say the people at www.healthybuffalo.com. Because bison lacks the internal streaks of fat called marbeling in beef it tends to cook more quickly. You can use beef recipes: just don't cook bison at as high a heat or for as long. Use about one third less time. Aim for rare to medium-rare as the meat will continue to cook after being taken from the heat. When cooking roasts, use a 275o F. oven and a meat thermometer. Check often. Crock pot cooking with its slow, moist heat works especially well with the less tender cuts of bison. Use the low setting and let it cook until it falls apart. Marinate steaks and stewing meat for added tenderness. Here's a recipe from David Malloy, Coralie Darsey-Malloy's husband, a bison meat enthusiast. Bison Meatballs 1 lb ground lean bison

1/2 C ground flax
1/3 C finely chopped red onion
1/2 C cheddar cheese
1 egg, beaten (or egg substitute)
2 cloves garlic, minced
1 tsp salt
1 tsp ground black pepper
1 tsp oregano

In a medium bowl combine all ingredients. Mix until well blended. Form into meatballs about the size of a large walnut. Place meatballs on a greased pan. Roast in preheated 325o F. oven for 10-15 minutes. Partially cover with lid or tin foil to prevent drying out.


Bison Built for the Cold

Leonard Chopp from L/B Bison in Vita, Manitoba, told me that the innate hardiness of bison makes them attractive to producers because they are easy to maintain. Bison are essentially wild animals and their thick coats help to protect them from harsh prairie winters. Their naturally strong immune systems keep the need for antibiotic use to a minimum. Bison thrive within the natural habitat of North American ranges and can use grasslands not suitable for cattle.

Chopp is president of the Manitoba Bison Association, which assists producers and promotes the unique merits of bison to the public. "Although bison producers were affected by the U.S. border closing due to mad cow disease a few years ago,"Chopp says,"the industry is now feeling more optimistic about the future of bison ranching." Return of the "Great Shaggies" Leonard Chopp and I agreed that there is much to celebrate about the return of the great shaggies to North American plains. Bison have been such an integral part of our history. They sustained native populations for centuries.

When I asked Chopp whether the correct term is bison or buffalo, he said bison. What we call the North American buffalo is not a true buffalo. Its closest relative is the European bison or wisent and the Canadian woods bison not the buffalo of Asia or Africa even though the words bison and buffalo are commonly interchanged.

It was through the efforts of far-sighted conservationists that saved the bison from extinction in Europe and North America. Thanks to the diligence and perseverance of dedicated bison ranchers who are enthusiastic champions of these majestic animals, bison will not be driven to the point of extinction again.  Ted Turner Type "Ted Turner bison meat" into a search engine to read about the media mogul's love affair with bison. He buys up land, enlarges herds and builds restaurants to feature bison meat. The website www.bisoncentral.com has five bison cookbooks for sale. The Winnipeg public library system has The Buffalo Cookbook: The low-fat solution to eating red meat by Ruth Mossok Johnston. www.veganhealth.org/b12/intro details the need for Vitamin B12 and how vegans can get it.

Sidebar: Mythology and Symbolism of Bison For those who have the eyes to see and the ears to hear, the natural world and the animals within it speak to us everyday through their innate characteristics.Before the settlers came to North America, aboriginal people understood that their relationship to bison and other animals was more than a physical one. Itinvolveda mystical side as well.

Bison...The Great Ones...

According to Ted Andrews author, lecturer, teacher and student in metaphysical and spiritual fields there are many medicinepowers within creatures great and small. Bison are among the great ones.In his book Animal Speak, bison are a symbol of sacred life and abundance.

Andrews describes the myth of White Buffalo woman appearing in a white buffalo robe and carrying a pipe. She showed the Lakota how all things are connected. Near the end of the story, she rolled upon the earth and became a white buffalo calf. After she disappeared, great herds of buffalo appeared around all the Indian camps. Part of her message was that bison/buffalo symbolize abundance. By learning how to unite the physical and spiritual aspects of life, she taught, all will be provided without struggle. By nature, bison usually follow the easiest path, Andrews writes. When we join the right action with prayer, the path is usually less challenging. The bison have massive heads, humped shoulders and an almost exaggerated appearance because of their shaggy fur.

The humps are symbolic of stored reservoirs that can be tapped into and reflect that abundance is always available if we open ourselves to receiving it.



This article was originally published in my column Perspectives on Healthy Living in the spring 2008 (Volume 15—Issue 1) of The Aquarian, (www.aquarianonline.com). Permission has been received by publisher Jan Whitley to post articles from The Aquarian on my blog.


Whether you relate to them as a consumer, investor or producer, bison are among natures best and are here to stay. Coralie Darsey-Malloy is a life coach and group leader and public speaker. She can be reached at (204)242-3373 (204) 242-3373 email cdarsey-malloy@mts.net

 For Further Information Leonard Chopp is owner/operator of L/B Bison in Vita, Manitoba. Phone (204) 425-3981 (204) 425-3981 . The Canadian Bison Association can be reached at www.canadianbison.ca or (306) 522-4766 (306) 522-4766 .


The Aquarian is a forum for shedding light on the path to personal fulfillment and the common good. It is published quarterly the first week of March, June, September and December. Annual subscriptions to anywhere in Canada or the U.S. can be had by sending a cheque or money order to the Aquarian office. For subscriptions outside North America contact The Aquarian for prices.

The Aquarian
16 Victoria Row, Winnipeg, MB
R2M 1Y2
Editorial and advertising: (204) 255-4884 (204) 255-4884
Fax: (204) 255-5057

FIBROMYALGIA: COULD THERE BE A CURE?

By CORALIE DARSEY-MALLOY

Of one thing I am certain…
The body
is not the measure of healing
peace is the measure.

--GEORGE MELTON

"Does this hurt? How about here -- and here?"
"Ouch! It hurts all over."
"That fits with the syndrome all right. Get dressed and I'll be right back."

After the examination, the rheumatologist told me I had a chronic muscle disorder, fibromyalgia syndrome (FMS), which is as common as rheumatoid arthritis and can be even more painful.

The term fibromyalgia comes from fibro, for fibrous tissues such as tendons and ligaments: my, indicating muscle: and algia, meaning pain. Symptoms include chronic fatigue, varying degrees of anxiety, depression, irritable bowel, vision problems, tension and migraine headaches. Fibromyalgia may also involve difficulty concentrating, light and environmental sensitivities, irritability, mood swings and insomnia. It has been referred to as the "hurt-all-over" syndrome because of the widespread body pain and stiffness.

My doctor went on to explain that there is no cure but she offered me a course of treatment including muscle relaxants, low-dose antidepressants, anti-inflammatory drugs, pain pills, sleeping pills and physiotherapy. I said I needed time to consider my options. I left with a firm commitment to finding a more natural way than taking all these drugs.

Taking Charge of my Recovery

In my work as a life coach, I encouraged others to look for causes rather than just make symptoms with drugs. Looking at my health challenge from this perspective made it difficult for me to believe that fibromyalgia could not be cured. It became my next research project.

At first, I joined a fibromyalgia support group and gathered some useful information, but left after a short time. Most of the participants were more interested in managing rather than curing their disorder.

Members of the group seemed to define themselves by their fibromyalgia. They bought into their diagnosis and were resigned to a life of chronic pain and debilitating fatigue that would only get worse with age! I had no intention of allowing myself to be influenced by that belief system. I severed my association with them and carried on with an even stronger resolve.

Individuals with fibromyalgia frequently have a type-A personality. They are perfectionists, neat, compulsive, organized, time-oriented, tense and precise. I frequently overdid things and found myself feeling discouraged when flare-ups occurred. I world experience painfully tight muscles, lack of mobility, chr9onic insomnia, irritable bowel syndrome, mood swings and extreme fatigue. However, I knew that one's attitude toward pain makes a difference. So rather than mask symptoms or lapse into feeling sorry for myself, I decided to allow this condition to become my teacher.

g>Lessons in Balance Living

I resumed yoga classes and found the gentle stretching and breathing helped me to relax. I made prayer and meditation a higher priority in my life and explored my emotions and attitudes in greater detail. As an incest survivor, I knew childhood problems were likely contributing to my disorder. My husband David provided useful feedback about cause and effect of my behavior on my symptoms. Through time, we both concluded that fibromyalgia is a pacing disorder. This realization was a major breakthrough. It finally became obvious that I had a lifelong pattern of overdoing things. My growth process had already proven that awareness, accountability and action had improved my life in other areas. Why not apply these same principles to this disorder and expect the same positive outcome?

My next effort was to start Reiki, a powerful, non-invasive healing art that facilitates the energy flow to body tissues and promotes body/mind awareness. The sessions helped so much that I decided to become a practitioner so I could work on myself daily. To support my body between treatments, I used magnets which open capillaries and attract blood to weak or injured areas. Hot soaks in the bathtub with Epsom salts helped pull out toxins from my body.

Learning to Sleep

Facing the next phase of my journey involved overcoming a lifelong pattern of insomnia which exacerbated the pain and stiffness.

A naturopath gave me Bach Flower Rescue Remedy, a herbal relaxant and a sleep-enhancing tea. He also recommended a calcium-magnesium formula with vitamin D and emphasized the importance of stress reduction. It was obvious that I had to apply the Serenity Prayer: "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."

Training my over-active brain to be quiet has been quite a challenge. I no longer allow myself to get trapped in a "busy-ness syndrome."

It is difficult to pinpoint one specific thing that changed my condition, but if I had to pick one -- deep restful sleep would be it. Being able to sleep gave me more energy and I was able to add other dimensions to my exercise program like light weights, a strength training program and freeform dance.

Supplements and Diet

When I discovered that antioxidants help fibromyalgia, I increased the amount of vitamin E and C and included grape seed extract as well. A combination of ginkgo balboa and hawthorn helped clear the fibro-fog and improved my concentration. The herbs eyebright and bilberry improved my vision. MSN, glucosamine (GLH) and chondroitin have all but eliminated pain and inflammation, and improved the strength and flexibility of my muscles and ligaments.

Dietary changes included the elimination of all nightshade vegetables (tomatoes, eggplant, potatoes and peppers). Tomatoes, especially, have high levels of glutamates which can cause muscle pain in sensitive people. I learned that yeast overgrowth and parasites cause joint pain, difficulty concentrating and fatigue so I worked to keep yeast and parasites out of my body.

I discovered the cleansing properties of liquid chlorophyll, acidophiles and sage tea with clove and added them to my regimen. I omitted all hydrolyzed protein, mono sodium glutamate (MSG) and aspartame from my diet.

Imagine the joy of being pain-free after years of suffering! Seventeen years after my initial diagnosis, I can confirm that fibromyalgia can indeed be cured. As long as I respect my body, keep life in balance and watch what I eat, I can lead an energetic, zestful and pain-free lift. Health is the state
about which medicine…
has nothing to say.

--W.H. AUDEN This article was originally published in my column Perspectives on Healthy Living in the spring 2008 (Volume 15—Issue 1) of The Aquarian, (www.aquarianonline.com). Permission has been received by publisher Jan Whitley to post articles from The Aquarian on my blog.
The Aquarian is a forum for shedding light on the path to personal fulfillment and the common good. It is published quarterly the first week of March, June, September and December. Annual subscriptions to anywhere in Canada or the U.S. can be had by sending a cheque or money order for $12.00 to the Aquarian office. For subscriptions outside North America contact The Aquarian for prices.
The Aquarian
16 Victoria Row, Winnipeg, MB
R2M 1Y2
Editorial and advertising: (204) 255-4884 (204) 255-4884
Fax: (204) 255-5057
info@aquarianonline.com
Publisher – Janet Whitley
Editors – Anna Olson and Syd Baumel

MEN AND THEIR HEALTH CONCERNS

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

If we are to achieve a richer culture, rich in contrasting values, we must recognize the whole gamut of human potentialities, and so weave a less arbitrary social fabric, one in which each diverse human gift will find a fitting place.

Michel De Montaigne

Medical and non-medical mental health resources report that men on the ‘edge of brokenness’ do not access support systems for a variety of reasons. A document released in September of 2004 (Patterns of Regional Mental Health Illness Disorder Diagnoses and service Use in Manitoba: A Population Based Study) revealed men commit suicide more than three times as often (two per 10,000) to females (0.6 per 10,000).The ratio is approximately 102 men to every 22 women. The study does not reveal why more men commit suicide only that they do. According to Constance Eagle from the Anxiety Disorder Association of Manitoba women may attempt suicide but men carry it through…and in more violent ways. Although the reasons behind higher suicides rates in men are unclear, professionals theorize it is their unwillingness or inability to access mental health services that puts them at higher risk. Barriers such as peer pressure and gender socialization can make it difficult for men to open up to their wives, partners, family members and even their churches. The harsh and often shocking reality of their situation only hits when men run away from home or take their own lives. Men’s tendency to internalize feelings may lead to addictions, financial problems, violence, spousal and family abuse. When this occurs, fear of being forced into the justice system may prevent them from accessing mental health resources and see suicide as the only way out.

While researching this topic a media contact added her experiences. She published an article on depression. Afterwards, numerous men from her readership called and admitted to living in quiet desperation with nowhere to turn. RCMP records for Manitoba confirm that growing numbers of men are struggling in similar despair. There are 105 missing Manitobans and 95 of them are male and known to have health and psychological problems. On a larger scale, FBI databases in the United States contain the names of approximately 8,000 missing adults within the last year. Statistically most of them are men who are known to be struggling with a variety of personal problems.

While interviewing mental health professionals they raised concern that Canada is one of the few countries that does not have a standardized mental health policy. In Manitoba there is up to a six month waiting period for those seeking psychiatric help unless patients are a considered a danger to themselves or others. Coupled with the stigma associated with mental health issues it is not surprising tmen are reluctant to access existing services. One individual who left home in the midst of his crisis summarized the broader male perspective in this way,”When faced with challenging situations men don’t think to look in the yellow pages. It is hard for us to disclose what we think and feel at the best of times. Men rarely ask peers what they did (or do) because most of them don’t know where to turn either. He added, “In conversations with other males I found there is a general view that it would be easier to seek help if Manitoba had a centralized intake process with a 24 hour crises line strictly geared to men and their personal challenges. Comfort levels would increase if it was understood that on-line counselors would respect confidentiality and had sensitivity to men’s issues and it was more widely advertised. Women inform women about what is out there whereas men do not. Because we don’t know and are afraid to admit things to ourselves or our peer. Things often remain the same until they become intolerable…then we act and often in ways that are not in our best interest.”

He and other interviewees felt that Manitoba needs a toll-free crisis line run ‘for men by men.’ From the feedback I received men are apprehensive about their health and well-being but resist going to doctors, healers or therapists because of their up-bringing or conditioning. Some of their health related concerns include; high blood pressure, heart disease, impotence, memory loss and prostate cancer. They admitted that self-esteem can be affected by their work, marriage, divorce, weight, appearance, retirement and financial security.

When these affairs become more than they can handle some men leave home as a coping mechanism. Sometimes they are forced to return to untenable situations before they are equipped to do so…because there is no other place for them to go. Men who have gone through this process say they did not have a sense of equality within our social system. One man put it this way, “When men do cave, leave home and contact family housing and services…some workers don’t know what to do with him. For example, a friend of mine ended out on the street for two days before making it to the Salvation Army. He said one worker told him to ‘get his act together and go back to his family where he belonged.’ So he did. His circumstances didn’t change and he ended up killing himself two months later. Comparatively, when women are in crisis/danger existing safety nets kick and provide housing, direction and a sense of support. Men understand that women’s socialization is geared towards ‘sharing and caring’ within a co-operative network and that is the accepted norm. However, men who commented on this topic said they are completely lost when it comes to taking a proactive approach to resolving their problems. They view themselves and each other as pragmatic, problem solvers and have a low comfort level when life’s circumstances overwhelm them and alter their ability to cope in a ‘manly’ way…whatever that is.”

Another man I interviewed summarized it for the rest. “I believe men do not want to contact whatever resources are out there because of a genuine concern about being put when feeling weak or vulnerable.” He continued with a face washed in emotion, “Most women I’ve talked to keep towing the party line and say men need to take anger management classes and maybe we do. However, what they do not understand is that our anger is outer expression of other deeper feelings that we don’t know how to handle. Anger is the one emotion men are familiar with. Males display that in the sports arena and the crowds cheer. But how many men, women or children are equipped to handle a sobbing male who is overwhelmed with life? From childhood men are told to suck it up…and be men...so we soldier on and often make bad choices. Unfortunately most men I know have never been shown another way to do it…so we stay in our comfort zones of familiarity and when that doesn’t work…we end it. “
Men thrive if they have a project to manage, re-build or construct...that we can do. But ask us to organize a system that would support our physical, emotional, psychological and spiritual well-being and we’re lost. That is why many modern men are floundering or leaving the life they had in whatever form they do it. “

As my fingers clicked the keys on this summary it was a full circle moment. My initial media contact was on to something. This is definitely a social situation that needs more attention.

Excerpt from What Your Mother Couldn't Tell You & Your Father Didn't Know by John Gray
P. 56, 1994, Harper Collins 427 pages,

Silently Sitting on a Rock
It's crucial to remember that one of the most significant differences between men and women is that while women cope with stress through sharing in nurturing relationships, men cope through solving problems. Traditionally, men have dealt with their problems by silently and patiently thinking up solutions. Ancient hunters would sit on a rock and silently search the horizon, looking and listening for their prey, or looking across the plains at their target, studying its movements and planning the attack.

This process of sitting, waiting, scheming, and planning allowed him to relax and conserve energy for the inevitable chase. Focusing kept his mind off the fear of being attacked or of missing his target, and when he achieved his goal he returned home a happy, stress-free man.

Why Men Watch TV

When a modern man comes home, quite commonly he sits in his favourite chair and either reads the newspaper or watches TV. Like the ancient hunter who needed to recover from the stress of his day, he instinctively finds his rock to sit on and begins gazing off into the horizon. Through reading or listening to the news he is, in effect, looking out over the world or scanning the horizon. As he picks up the remote control and begins searching through the stations, or turns the pages of his paper, he is once more in control: he silently and swiftly continues his hunt.

As he assumes this ancient posture, deep and reassuring feelings of security begin to emerge. Feeling in control, he is able to most effectively cope with the stress of not having immediate solutions to the problems of his life.

Through this instinctive ritual, he is able to temporarily forget his problems at work and is eventually ready for the relationship.

This article was originally published in my column Perspectives on Healthy Living in the spring 2008 (Volume 15—Issue 1) of The Aquarian, (www.aquarianonline.com). Permission has been received by publisher Jan Whitley to post articles from The Aquarian on my blog.

The Aquarian is a forum for shedding light on the path to personal fulfillment and the common good. It is published quarterly the first week of March, June, September and December. Annual subscriptions to anywhere in Canada or the U.S. can be had by sending a cheque or money order for $12.00 to the Aquarian office. For subscriptions outside North America contact The Aquarian for prices.
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