Thank you for checking out my Blog. I am a life coach,author, public speaker, group leader and free lance writer and sharing ideas is what I do. This blog contains a variety of ideas about life, spirituality and healthy, dynamic living from some of my previously published articles.I hope you enjoy my offerings.
Warmest regards,
Coralie aka Raia
Darsey-Malloy
The terms personal empowerment and authentic living have become popular expressions in the past few years and clients often ask us how we interpret them.
From our perspective personal or self-empowerment is not something that comes in outwardly directed achievements alone. In our view it is a direct result of "authentic living.” This is a term that is often bantered around and a client asked what it means to us and it gave us reason to pause. Authentic living is a phrase we use in a personal development model we co-created called the Inner Dynamics System (IDS.)
This approach addresses core issues and concerns rather than the outer appearance of things. We look at what the driving attitudes and behaviors are and suggest the outer is only symptomatic of other unresolved concerns. The Inner Dynamics System is a personal development model David and I developed. It promotes strength from within and resolves situations from the inside out…and that requires authentic and conscious choice making.
So even though we have our personal views about what it represents to us no one had ever asked us to specifically articulate what it authenticity and authentic living means. One we thought about it for awhile we concluded that from our shared perspective authentic living is being alignment with our deepest needs and ‘growing our souls’ in the process. It also involves a comfort level in being truth to who we truly are rather than basing basing self-worth on the opinions of others.
Once we reach that place it is becomes more natural to live from the core of our ‘authentic Selves’ and move in the same direction as ‘Spirit’ (whatever that may be for them.) Authentic living supports right action and ownership of an individual’s creative process whether others’ understand or accept it.
Many of our clients contact us because they have an inner sense that their inner and outer worlds are not congruent because they have compromised their own beliefs, principles, wants, needs, goals to please/or not displease others. Others feel dissatisfied because they are caught in needing life to be a certain way in order for them to feel happy, satisfied and/or confident. Their focus is more outwardly directed then inwardly directed and ‘image-management’ drives them more than what supports their quality of life and inner landscape.
Internal conflicts frequently lead to alienation with others and whatever interpretation we put on our association with Source. How can we ever expect there to be peace in the world if we, its inhabitants lack inner peace? A lack of harmony within our inner and outer worlds...cannot help but be projected outward to a perception of "us versus them?" The divisiveness within a confused sense of self fosters judgments of others. "We" are right...and "they' are wrong...our religion, political beliefs, health models are the 'right' and only way...and all else is inferior. Comparison always leads to discontent, confusion and...of course more judgment.
To truly live an authentic life and feel inwardly empowered need to learn how to release self-deception. That involves complete honest with ourselves and the rest of the world. This level of integrity requires conscientious attention, emotional maturity, self-accountability, responsibility for the cause and effect of our choices, self-knowledge, willingness to change and an ability to be discerning and practice sincere internal scrutiny.
A classic Buddhist question puts it this way: "Who were you and what did you look like before your parents were born?" Looking at ourselves without form...and as a spiritual being within a body it becomes easier to accept that...at the heart of you, me, every single person, and all the creatures great and small there is a pure light of love. That inner radiance reflects our essential nature is the larger truth of who we are...sparks of Divinity that are given life and a chance to celebrate our uniqueness in inwardly directed and authentic ways in this journey called life.
This innate luminosity is our essential Self...and as has been said before...Creator does not create junk. Accepting that opens the door for anyone to live their best life...on their own terms. Because we are, from my perspective bright sources of energy...going through our various human experiences. Wouldn't we have a lovely world is we could celebrate who we are...and everyone else within the One song of our humanity?
For more information about the personal development services we offer check out our website at www.fresh-beginnings.com
People say they love..something, someone, a pet, nature, their favorite "anything." That always makes me wonder what does love represent? How is expressed, what forms of love are there?
What about those that are in a loving relationship...but then it falls apart and then they say they no longer love that person anymore. How does a person fall out of "love" when it is the spiritual essence within so many things. I can see that a person who hurts, disappoints or betrays us creates a myriad of emotions other than love...but what happened to the core of whatever brought you together in the first place?
Can we allow ourselves to consider that on some level we will always love the person because of what being with them taught us about ourselves and each other? Times changes everything and we may no longer like how we feel when we are with them but are we able to forgive and accept the gems within the relationship?
I know from my life path that people come into my life for a reason, season or lifetime and when loving relationships end I am still grateful for what the experience gave me...and that includes the pain. We are all spiritually connected and there is a part of you in me and a part of you in me. If we could all remember that maybe we could see more of a motto David and I live by...and that is to "Love More!"
When we consider who and what we love or what loving someone or being loved brings to our lives it seems more precious. I know it is possible to feel loved whether we're in a partnered relationship or not because I have lived both ways. It comes from opening to love from life, from spiritual beliefs if you have them, from pets, the community or just a deep-seated sense of knowing that we are all interconnected within the web of life. We know there is romantic love...but what other types are there? Does the essence of love remain even if it takes different forms? This is a fascinating subject and one that is hard to define.
I'll give you a little clue to my view of love. In my view love is more than three words mumbled before bedtime. in know for sure that it is sustained by action that walks the talk. It is a pattern of devotion in the things we do for each other every day and those daily acts can build love or alter it dramatically. It is a transformative power that respects differences and shows compassion for others. It uplifts, upholds and causes harm to none.
This is true of partners, friends, pets, in the natural world and most everything else. I also believe we "train" people how to treat us and healthy loving relationships have to combine boundaries, mutual respect and ability to disagree and handle conflicts as they come up rather than denying they are there in order for it to thrive rather than just survive.
This article was originally published a number of years ago and with the new studies linking calcium supplementation with heart disease it is advisable for readers to consult with their health care providers.
When I broke my ankle while rock hounding a few years ago the doctor insisted on a bone density test to make sure that the fracture was not a result of osteoporosis. Thankfully it was not. I was in my mid-forties at the time and my physician sat me down and we had a serious discussion about the important role calcium plays in our bodies. After doing some research on the subject I was rather amazed to discover that calcium does a lot more than just building healthy bones. Like most kids drinking milk in the formative years was something we all parents encourage their children to do. But something is occurring between those years and the ones that follow. Somewhere along the line our bodies are becoming deficient in this important little mineral that pays such big dividends. Research at The Center for Disease Control reported that an astounding 78% of women over 60 are deficient, and most are getting less than half the recommended intake. Each year millions of North Americans, most of them white postmenopausal women suffer bone fractures due to osteoporosis. Elderly men (about one in eight) are also affected.
Other studies have revealed that calcium in the diets of most adults is below the basic daily requirement of 800-milligrams. Statistics reveal that the average woman over forty-five consumes only 450 milligrams of calcium daily and 60% of 16 year old boys are also showing signs of calcium deficiency. This creates a problem because diseases like osteoporosis (normally associated with the elderly) actually begin decades earlier, and provides no symptoms to flag that there might be a problem. A deficiency of as little as fifty milligrams of calcium a day over a twenty year period can lead to osteoporosis later in life. The rather alarming thing about these statistics is that few people comprehend the devastating effects calcium deficiency has on other body systems besides the skeletal.
Many body-systems need calcium
Discovering how versatile this under-rated mineral is quite compelling. Contrary
to what many people believe, bones are fluid, not solid, immutable structures. Bone minerals, like calcium are continually being removed and added to bones throughout the body in conjunction with hormones and vitamin D. Whenever blood levels of calcium fall below normal, some of it is removed from the bones to make up the difference. When dietary calcium provides extra calcium, some is added back to the bones. Prolonged deficiencies will eventually lead to a net loss of bone calcium, which leads to many other health problems beyond structural support, formation and endurance of bones and prevention of osteoporosis.
New findings in the calcium connection reveal that it supports the body in more ways than was previously understood. Calcium works in a cohesive and catalytic fashion. The brain needs it to function; nerves and muscles use it to fire and contract. Anyone who has suffered from the painful muscle cramps or the nighttime “charley- horse” knows that one. Calcium, tri calcium phosphate and calcium carbonate, comprise a part of the tissue fluids around nerves and nerve endings. Calcium ions maintain proper electrical potential balance and enable the “electrical” messages of nerves to travel properly and react with muscle tissue.
Inadequate intake of calcium can also affect the heart and blood coagulation and also plays a part in how cells communicate with each other. Messaging systems constantly exchange information through “bridges” which are called ‘calcium channels.’ Calcium acts like a messenger between cells and prevents them from dividing unnecessarily. New findings indicate that hyperplasia (overgrowth of tissue) may be physical evidence of a breakdown I communication among cells.
On-going studies have also revealed that when calcium in the fluid around cells drops, rapid advancements in cell development can create aggressive killer cells that may lead to the development of cancer. Findings reveal that this frequently occurs long before cancer is present. When calcium levels remain stable the cell division commonly seen in cases of cancer does not normally occur.
This growing body of information makes it apparent how essential calcium is for the whole body. While 99% of calcium is found in bones and teeth, the remainder is an important constituent of all protoplasm and body fluids. It is essential for all cellular activities such as normal permeability of cell membranes, excitability of muscles, nerve activity, and blood clotting. Understanding its importance in supporting the body makes it of critical importance for health and longevity.
The challenge of maintaining calcium stores
Even though this valuable mineral is needed by so many parts of the body calcium levels are difficult to maintain. Much of the calcium we eat is often unusable because of calcium blockers that interfere with its absorption. Studies show that high protein foods
reduce the amount of calcium absorbed. Whole grains contain a substance that binds the calcium and prevents its uptake. North American diets lean towards processed and high protein foods such as meat, fish, and poultry. These foods are high in phosphorus and interfere with the body’s ability to assimilate whatever calcium it does have to work with. Without adequate amounts of vitamin D and an awareness of foods that bind calcium—it may not be properly assimilated. Calcium robbers such as smoking, coffee/caffeine, sugar, alcohol, salt, carbonated drinks, diuretics and aluminum containing antacids have become staples to many caught in the fast-food way of eating.
Many of the findings have clearly shown that osteoporosis is not a disease of calcium deficiency alone. This is proven by the fact that countries with the lowest calcium intake have the least amount of hip fractures, while countries that consume large quantities of dairy have the highest rate of hip fractures. Once deficiencies are detected through a bone density scan or a diagnosis of osteoporosis, the real challenge begins. Without treatment, it is very common for women to lose 1 to 3 percent bone density each year after menopause. Many health-conscious women are reluctant to begin hormone replacement therapy, even though many doctors still believe it is the best intervention.
It is well known that estrogen treatment within the first few years of menopause can delay or even prevent bone loss. However, new research indicates that drug intervention is not always the solution. It is now understood that continued use of estrogen not the only way to prevent fractures. More recent findings and follow-up to those who have had estrogen replacement have shown that once estrogen replacement ceases bone density diminishes as rapidly as it does during menopause. Many new programs encourage patients to improve lifestyles and start an intervention program later in life. By starting on HRT or intervening with the drug Fosamx later in life, there is a higher probability of the patient staying with the program. With this approach there will be greater protection against fractures at a stage in life when protection for the bones is really needed.
Researchers from the University of Illinois, using Imatron’s Ultra fast CT scanner, found a definite link between osteoporosis in a symptomatic post-menopausal woman the presence of underlying coronary artery disease. Other studies presented at the 47 Annual Scientific Session of the AmericanCollege of Cardiology supported this link. Deficiency symptoms include heart palpitations, muscle cramping and high blood pressure. Researchers now take this previously under-rated little mineral more seriously. Findings have revealed that people with generous calcium intakes are less likely to have high blood pressure, and this mineral is now considered a promising substance for reducing blood pressure and heart disease.
Dietary and Lifestyle Changes
With this information coupled with osteoporosis prevention; it is clearly evident that we need to find ways to maintain calcium stores. Lifestyle changes have definitely been proven to influence outcomes. A diet that reduces known calcium robbers in combination with calcium rich foods allows for maximum calcium absorption. Vitamin D, which we get from sunlight, is essential. Fifteen minutes exposure to sunlight (without sunscreen to absorb Vitamin D) twice a week is necessary for people in their forties. Studies show that for those over 65 exposures should be increased to an hour. If this is not possible, then supplementing the diet with calcium, magnesium and 400 IU of Vitamin D will be helpful.
Other options such as aerobic and weight-bearing exercise (walking, jogging, and biking) not only improves bone health, but other body systems as well. It is important to include weight training in any exercise program. Strong muscles help to prevent falls later in life as does yoga, tai chi, and flexibility exercises. In terms of diet, vegetarians and vegans cut their risk of osteoporosis in half. For those who do not want to eliminate animal protein from their diet it is vitally important to eat plenty of whole grains, fruits and vegetables. Soy products such as tofu, tempeh and miso are rich in calcium. Salmon and other fish including the skin and fat raise the good HDL’s in the blood and should be eaten 1-5 times per week.
Bok Choy, broccoli and other leafy green vegetables, pumpkin, sweet potatoes, help maintain calcium stores. Defatted soy flour, peanuts, fat free (skim milk) powder can be added to yogurt, cereals, muffins, puddings to increase the magnesium and calcium content. Salad dressings and dips made with non-fat sour cream and yogurt provide calcium rich nutrients. It is preferable to obtain calcium from foods rather than by supplementation. Most researchers feel supplementing with pills should be the last resort. Too much calcium supplementation can lead to gas, nausea, and vomiting and kidney damage. Kidney stones are high in oxalate, but the calcium found in foods may bind the oxalate before it can be deposited as a stone.
So the positive benefits gained from improving our lifestyles though exercise and eating calcium rich foods that taste great as well can go a long way to preventing and reversing heart disease, cancer and dementia while keeping our bones healthy and strong. 1,000 to 1,500 milligrams of calcium should be consumed every day. Who would have thought our mothers and grandmothers were so ahead of their time in emphasizing the importance of calcium rich diet! This convincing research shows that simply by making sure there is enough calcium in our diets it is possible to live a healthy, active life throughout our advancing years!
I sit and listen attentively to each woman within the sharing circle speaks as they openly discuss their individual struggles with their eating disorders. Some are working through their own process and others are there looking to find answers for a loved one facing similar challenges. As I quietly observe I glance around the room see how some mask their pain with a vacant stare while others speak in words that are strangled with emotion. As I silently participate in their individual and collective journeys my heart goes out to them. I am fully able to empathize with their struggle … because I was once going through a similar process and am fully aware of how difficult it is to believe that there is a way to move beyond their compulsive coping patterns.
Their journey was once my journey and I had decided to come and offer a testimony of hope. When it came time for me to speak I began offering aspects of what I had learned along my own path. At first they there was openness as started sharing why I was there. “I am here tonight to honor and support where you are—because I once walked this path and fully understand what a difficult path you are on. It thirty years of struggle and strife to finally find another way to live my life—but I did—and I am a living testimony that it is possible to heal your body and your life. I have been free from the clutches of anorexia, bulimia, compulsive over-eating and body-image issues for over sixteen years. I am not a recovering anything—I am healed, whole, well and in better health now than I ever was in my youth. I am here to offer encouragement and hope that you can do it too.”
I pause for a moment and suddenly sense that the energy in the room has changed. As I glance around there is a tangible, yet inaudible ‘clunk.’ My many years as a group facilitator and life couch have put me in touch with this dynamic before. It is t very clear that minds within the room have suddenly closed. Something in what I related created a low comfort level and experience has taught me to respect individual boundaries than to forge ahead. I left shortly afterwards. The next day I called the facilitator of the support group and discussed what had occurred. Her feedback was not all that surprising and openly confirmed my observations and said, “Yes Coralie, even though the group appreciated where you are—there is a lot of denial, anger and feelings of victimization within this group. At this point all they really want to do is to be able to express how they feel each week without really getting into problem solving right now. Maybe what you have to offer will be more accepted at some later date—but thank you for coming. Good-bye. Click. Conversation over. Now what?
As I hung up the phone I take a deep breath and allow my mind to go back along the time time-lines of my life to where it all began to unravel for me. Around the age of seventeen I decided to take a modeling course and see if I could make it in the fashion industry. The women who headed up the agency never bothered to tell me that my five foot two and a half inch height would never allow me to go very far. She willingly took the money for the course and I blindly followed her lead. As I struggled to compensate for the obvious height issue it made sense that if I lost enough weight maybe being skinny could somehow compensate for what was lacking vertically. Couple that dynamic with a home life with a controlling, abusive, alcoholic father and a passive enabling mother I began to develop a sense of self that was outwardly directed. That shift in focus was the beginning of my downfall.
Within my musings I flashback to how I resorted to self-starvation, laxative abusive and purging as a desperate way to diminish my size and weight to a place it was never meant to be. The process began long before the medical model had the self-destructive patterns. The cycle eventually "worked" and I starved myself down to under 80 pounds. Orginally it started with restrictive calorie counting, frenetic bouts of intense exercising that were difficult to sustain.
Each time I ‘failed’ a binge followed and then the whole cycle began again. Weight gains lowered self-esteem and created an internal need to binge. Food was used to compensate for growing feelings of inadequacy or block out thoughts and emotions that were too uncomfortable to handle. Little did I realize at that level of awareness that my fixation on food, weight and body image were compulsive coping mechanism. The fixated thinking had become a way of denying what I believed to be insurmountable issues in my personal and family life. That awareness would only come many years later.
Then somewhere in my early twenties my father in his usual unthinking fashion said something that re-routed my life again. In one of my venting outbursts I declared that I had to find a way to lose more weight so I could ‘measure up’ to the fashion and entertainment industry’s stereotypes for the ‘perfect body. In what became a milestone moment my father said in a calm voice, “Well, why don’t you do what many jockeys, ballerinas and others with a high profile do to keep their weight low?”
His serious tone caught my attention interest and I felt he might just have a solution and I quickly said, “What do they do?” My father could see he had me—and he played the moment to his advantage by taking a s drink from his glass of Scotch and a slow puff on his cigarette before answering. “It is any easy fix—eat whatever you want, then stick your fingers down your throat and throw it up. Some also use laxatives—between those two things—you can be whatever weight you want and keep it. Simple huh?”
The impact of what he had just said was not lost to either my mother or me. I vividly recall the look of horror on her face. It was the exact moment that the light bulb went on for me. Needless to say there was nothing my mother could say or do to stop me. Little did I know then that my father’s statement would re-route my life and create a quagmire of confusion that would take years to emerge from. As I continue to wander down memory lane I am caught in a full circle moment of total recall and I vividly remember my first binge/purge experience. Ahh—alone at last. My stomach is bulging as I wander towards the bathroom. I cannot help thinking about the volume of food just consumed. It was the biggest binge of my life—but knowing that I was going to be able to ‘get rid of it’ created a blissed out state while I was indulging. Throughout the ‘stuffing’ I comforted myself with the reality that I was about to embark on my first episode in throwing up. No one could stop me now—I was on a whole new path of liberation—or so I thought then.
As I stand in front of the toilet the stark while porcelain bowl invites me to begin a ritual of association that will last far longer than I ever wanted it to. At this juncture I foolishly believe I would be able to control my association with it—too bad I didn’t know then what hard lessons I would have to learn as a result of what I did next. Before beginning I paused and wondered how to do it. For one brief moment I felt like an initiate to some order—and this was the act that would allow me to gain entry to some unseen power.
Hmm—I wonder how many fingers I should use? I decide to hook my thumb and little finger together and try three. Ugh, that hurt, maybe I should try two. As I shove them down my throat initially nothing happens, I try again—further down this time—there I’m getting a gag response—keep it up—the energy within my intention to master this art of body and weight control drives me to keep going. As I push harder and deeper I gag more and I keep it up, pushing, probing fingers deeper until I finally feel my insides begin to respond. As the inner upheaval begins to move I am full of anticipation as I sense the massive amount of food I’d consumed is rising upwards. Excitement begins to build as I feel lift-off occurring.
The food rushes up in a volcanic eruption. Once I had the first experience in motion I kept it up I did it once, twice, three—four—until I lost count and could finally feel my stomach had released all its booty. As I flushed the toilet for a final time and closed the lid I looked at my formerly bulging abdomen and saw how flat it had become and I absolutely delighted. I stood in mute silence admiring my handiwork. Then within the aftermath I feel my knees slightly buckling and I sit on the toilet and try to process what had just happened.
‘
In retrospect it was one of the last times I paid any real attention to my body’s responses. From that point on I become increasingly dissociated from anything it felt or needed. But initially symptoms were too obvious to ignore. I could not help but notice what a physically demanding ritual the self-induced vomiting actually was. I felt weak, my neck and back were stiff and sore from bending over. Residues of bitter tasting bile lingered in my mouth and my eyes felt as though they were stretched and bulging behind their sockets. Coupled with all of that was an incredible thirst and it was clear to me that I was severely dehydrated. But I held on to the fact that I had managed to do it and in the bizarre fashion of anyone with an eating disorder I felt kind of good about my achievement.
The void within the moments afterwards were eventually filled with something else. Even though I felt physically weak—something bigger and not clearly understood had occurred within the unusual and rite of passage I had just undertaken. I noticed a sense of relief—as if on some emotional level I had a moment of release from things I could not clearly define. That gave me a profound sense of empowerment and I liked it. Although it was not fully comprehended to me at that time I came to see that something within that first experience put a new set of beliefs in motion. In retrospect this first act created a false sense of security about controlling my destiny and achieving every weight loss dream of skinniness I had been harboring within.
As I embellished the moment with romanticized ideas that this ritual would allow me to create the perfect body size and shape—and with that would come all the love, acceptance and appreciation I could not find anywhere else. As my mind ran along those line it eclipsed any sense of how bizarre the path I was embarking on really was. Logic and reason were replaced with an unrealistic sense that everything I ever wanted or desired was now within my reach. I could eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted in whatever amounts I wanted and never have to look back. On top of that I could show the world that I could achieve something many others could not—a lean, strong, thin body—something everyone wanted and now I could finally have.
As I continued along this deluded path in an ‘ignorance is bliss’ approach. . Being able to binge and throw up worked for awhile. But what is now called bulimia eventually began to upset my metabolism and eventually my body's ability to digest and eliminate food broke down and I had to resort to ingesting increasing amounts of laxitives. I rationalized that it was alright...because they were herbal. The delusion and denial continues. Eating less, exercising more, throwing up, starving my body decreased core energy and threw my whole self out of balance. Over the years of abuse my body became soft, bloated. My term for it is ‘gooshy." I had no idea then that it was my body's response to dehydration faulty digestion.
Rather than feeling fit and fabulous the flab dragged me down so I increased the intensity and length of exercise when I had the energy to do so.
At that point I was hospitalized and went through five years in and out of psychiatric wards. I was subjected to massive amounts of mood-altering drugs. When didn’t work I was given over 120 electro-shock treatments before the doctor realized they were an ineffective treatment for me. No one within the medical system ever considered addressing family life or what might be the root cause of my debilitating health and personal problems. Through that whole time no one ever addressed the problems I was having at home and with my parents. I consistently felt that I was the problem—and that added to a growing loss of self-worth and any sense of self. There were times where I thought it would be better to die and I often wished I could. The depressing feelings of hopelessness and helplessness were so bad at times I considered taking my own life so the pain could end.
By the time I reached the ten year mark of struggle I was 28. None of what the medical model had to offer was doing anything to change my behavior—or my life. So I made the decision to get out of the system and find another way. As I look back over the anatomy of my eating disorder one of the most surreal aspects of it was through the whole thirty year process I was still functioning on many levels. The five year stint in the psychiatric wards were the most challenging and least productive times of my life. But after getting out of that kind of constrictive ‘care’ I made a decision to do something—anything different.
At tht age and stage of life I married my childhood sweetheart and began to journal and pray for direction and a way to heal my life. It was clear that if I did not find a way through the confusing maze of my disordered life and disordered eating I was going to die. My throat had started to bleed when I stuck my fingers down my throat. My intestines and stomach ached and I was increasingly sick and tired of feeling sick and tired. I have come to accept that the challenges I was having in trying to find answers contributed to the break-up of my first marriage—but there was nothing I could do—except keep on keeping on until I found another way to cope.
My lifestyle was a horrendous series of uphill and downhill slides into a world I feared I might never be able to escape. It was a lonely, isolating world at times because I could never allow anyone to get too close, lest they discover my terrible truth. The irony of it all is that I still had an outer semblance of a life. I worked, socialized, dated and even began writing, producing a series of talk shows on community access television in Winnipeg. So to all appearance I had my act together. The shame of my secret ritualistic life of self-destruction continued as I lived a life of ‘quiet, unspoken desperation.’
It took another twenty years after that to finally have enough of a spiritual epiphany to fully comprehend that my obsession with thinness, fixated thinking about image-management and trying to define myself from the outside were not the real issues. Then in an amazing moment of clarity some of my prayers were answered. For the first time I could see there was something very wrong with my whole lifestyle and my sense of Self within it and once I ‘got it’ things began to change. When Karen Carpenter died I was amazed to learn that what I had been doing since my late teens had finally had a name and a diagnosis. Well imagine that. Too bad it hadn’t been addressed when I was being tortured by the medical model all those years ago.
Up to that point a part of me did not really believe that what I was doing could actually kill me. I had been doing it for so long never in the thirty year span had any doctor ever said that there could be some long term health problems with what I was doing. But the media hype around her death mentioned that her heart gave out and that was a big newsflash for me. As unfortunate as it was to hear about Karen’s death added another dimension to the clarity I was developing from within. It forced me to sit down and ask myself some really tough questions.
As I sat quietly I could not help but wonder whether I had an unspoken, formerly unacknowledged death with and that maybe the eating disorders were how I was unconsciously planning to fulfill it. That hard core question about whether my death wishes were stronger than my life wishes changed the course of my life path. I knew deep within my being that I did not want to die and that I had better smarten up or the choice might not be mine to make.
From that point on the course of my life path began to change in strange and mysterious ways. Once I made a decision to live I embarked on a quest to heal my life and stop allowing feeling of victim hood to shape the events in my life. As I kept my focus on regaining health, balance I sought out a series of therapists and alternative health practitioners in a whole-person approach to my healing. Therapy helped me to stop playing the blame game with my parents and put energy into taking responsibility for the choices I was making within whatever circumstance I was in. Had I had a hard life in some ways? Most definitely. Had my family of origin contributed to my personal and health problems? Undeniably. But through time I had to accept that I could either live in the past with all the hurt, regret, blame and shame or I could choose to forgive all of it and move on. And that was what I did and I continue to do that today. Now admittedly the changes didn’t happen overnight. It took a lot of self-ownership, therapy, changing my diet and my mindset to help me become healthy rather than skinny. The more I focused on building a more positive sense of self and striving to be healthy and whole the less time I had to worry about my outer appearance. I was beginning to live life in the reverse of how I once did—from the inside out.
As I learned how to manage my life, handle stress and focus on goal setting and goal-getting my world and everything in it changed for the better. As I learned how like and love myself and accept my shortcomings as part of being human I also was able to establish safe boundaries with others. As I progressed along my path towards wholeness and happiness I recovered repressed memories of sexual abuse and it became clear that I had been treating myself the way I had been treated. I had been abused and felt that was what I deserved and I found a way to abuse myself—and what was what the eating disorders represented for me. It is so obvious now—all change begins with awareness and once I was aware of why I did what I did I was able to change the pattern forever and never go back.
I made it through and life today is sweeter, richer, healthier and more abundant than it ever was in what many call the prime years of their life. I now thank God that when I had considered ending my life that it never happened. If I had died or taken my own life I would be missing all the good that I now enjoy. That is part of why I am so committed to sharing what I have learned. It has been said that anyone who has met the challenge and overcome it has a moral duty to chare it. And so that is what I do.
As my journey through the past brings me back into present time I realize why I felt a need to go sit in on that support group. They may not be ready to hear what I have to say but I know there are many out there who are. As I was able to transform my life and become healthy and while I took training and began developing and presenting workshops about a system of weight management that works from the inside out. The Body Dynamics System I developed with my life and business partner David Malloy has a proven track record that assists people change their lives by changing and re-framing their attitudes and behaviors around their weight and body-image. We assist clients in making health, balance and strength the priority of unhealthy weight management methods.
The process for self-change involves a readiness to change a and some guidance about how to do it. David and I co-direct a company that is appropriately named Fresh Beginnings. We promote the idea that is it is never too early or too late create a new beginning. The website link for Fresh Beginnings is: www.fresh-beginnings.com.
After sharing my healing journey with clients I was encouraged to write a book about it. I’ve Been There…A Testimony of Hope is the name of my memoir and it chronicles how I transformed my scars into stars and life for the better. The website for the book is www.ibtbook.com .
Everyone wants independent choice…
whatever that may cost…
and wherever it may lead.
--Fyodor Dostroyevsky
When I began my quest for health and wholeness in the mid-eighties much of what has gained mainstream acceptance was considered ‘fringe new age thinking” and viewed with suspicion or flatly rejected. When David and I met in 1990 I made his head spin with my concern about the free radicals and high glycimic factor in his diet. I rambled on about that and the importance of low fat, moderate carbohydrate diet and using food combining as a way to lose weight. He and others patted me on the head and admitted that it all sounded a little too weird for them at the time. Now these ideas have been accepted and utilized by many because they are endorsed by researchers. The growing emphasis on healthy living has created less polarity within formal medicine and complimentary healing systems.
This trend has already started towards more sensitive patient care with a multitude of options that were not available even twenty years ago. The emerging changes in preventative health and wellness techniques can and does compliment today’s precision diagnostic services. Inevitably, professional patronizing, and obscure terminology will give way to cooperative educational approaches, and client-orientated therapies. Future medicine like future world politics, will increasingly acknowledge choice making and empowerment of the individual.
Even before these changes are fully implemented, there is much we can all do to optimize our health. Eating less and eating well are basic premises of preventative self- care. Avoiding the known health hazards of smoking, alcohol, fat, sugar, caffeine, salt and processed foods are another commonsense approach. Breakthroughs in health care reveal that many of the diseases and ailments being treated by symptom relief alone can be readily overcome with social and lifestyle changes.
A long, healthy life is a reasonable expectation under most conditions, and self-reliant health care involves one’s authority over their right to choose what they determine is best for them. As the paradigm of whole-person healing continues to evolve, the knowledge it brings not only liberates it unites people as well. Today personal fitness and healing practices once considered outlandish are gaining mainstream credibility—because they work. Large corporations are underwriting relaxation and stress management courses to reduce employee absenteeism. Insurance companies offer financial incentives to non-smokers and aerobic dancers. Healing in the 21st century will witness the final convergence of science and psychology, body and soul.
As science, medicine, the biology of emotion and thought, humor, health and healing attitudes are promoted as a plausible option to symptom relief, drug therapy, invasive procedures there will be more inclination to become well informed before choosing any course of treatment. New attitudes and modalities provide much hope in the form of simple, yet powerful whole-person self-care systems. They are often equally or more effective than prescriptions and are cost effective, encourage self-responsibility, do no harm, educational, fun and provide positive outcomes! So the good news is…there truly are many ways to achieve health, wholeness and abundant living for those willing to explore options and think outside the box.
David and I generate part of our livelihood through our personal development company Fresh Beginnings...www.fresh-beginnings and we are often asked about our spiritual beliefs and how we arrived at our current level of understanding.
When I decided to share my experiences and how I developed my spiritual beliefs it took a couple of days to figure out where to begin. I have studied a wide variety of religious and spiritual teachings in a lifelong quest to discover the common threads of truth within them.
My family of origin on both sides was born in the UK and genetically I am a mix of English, Scottish, Welsh and Irish. The forerunner to any religious associations came from my parents and grandparents’ affiliation with Anglican and United churches. I may have continued living by the doctrines of Christianity had I not had a mother who had the gift of second sight and clairvoyance.
My Welsh and Irish grandfather on mom’s side was the 7th son of a 7th son. He was involved with the Rosicrucian Order and was able to predict coming events. He passed on when my mother was 16 but she raised me with an acceptance that “the other side” is not “out there.” In her view it was another realm where we pass through and beyond when we leave our bodies behind. She also showed me how to perceive ‘whispers and touches” from spiritual allies and to not fear them. Mother read tea leaves and channeled. So from a very early age I developed a high comfort level with what was often felt…and sometimes seen as spirit communication. She consistently encouraged me to attune to “that Still Small Voice Within” because it was how Source speaks when we quiet the noisy mind chatter of everyday life. Consequently I began to feel really OK with things I picked up that others often missed.
As my family attended church I began to question…incessantly! I questioned when things were not as they appeared…especially within churches. I found the lack of congruity between preachers saying words of love and acceptance on the pulpit…then judging others of different races, cultures and religions as being misguided sinners. When I questioned I was told that in “faith based religions” congregates are not supposed to question…but believe and act according to what leaders “said.” That retort really troubled me when love, honor, respect for differences was supposed to be the larger message. I have always had a questioning mind and as I began to question “why” or “who made so and so the authority” I felt the sting of rejection from some within the church. It was at that point and I began to look for spiritual direction in other places.
When I decided not to go to University I asked my parents for the freedom to “learn from life and educate myself.” They reluctantly agreed and gifted me with a collection of Great Books by Encyclopedia Britannica. These books opened my eyes to a level of eclectic knowledge that I draw from to this day. The wealth of information within the pages of those books covered everything from history, philosophy, metaphysics, human development and all of the great religions.
Around the same time I was introduced to what many still call “New Thought Religions.” They included the teaching of Unity and Science of Mind. These schools of thought broadened my perspective on metaphysics, the law of attraction, cause and effect, mind/body/spirit connectedness, creative visualization, energy-based/Source centered consciousness. Their teachings promote the idea that God is ubiquitous, spirit is the totality of real things, true and human Self hood is divine, divine thought is a force for good and that many sicknesses through imbalances within the body, mind, emotion and energy fields. Although “New Thought” is neither monolithic nor doctrinaire, in general many who adopt these teachings often view God/Goddess as “universal and everlasting” and that divinity dwells within each person.
The aspect of these ideologies that really clicked for me lay within the neutrality and loving acceptance of differences. Compared to the polarity within right/wrong/good/evil that I saw in many organized religions I found new thought teachings very refreshing. As I began to embrace new thought spiritual teachings I had many light bulb moments along the way. The one that I recall giving me a true awakening was the idea that we are ALL spiritual beings and the highest spiritual principle is to be able to reach a point where we love each other unconditionally with an abiding respect for differences. Yes, it was one of my biggest “ah hah” moments. Once I got it that concept of unity and oneness. It became the foundation of everything else that I have, and probably ever will incorporate into whatever else I do to “grow my soul.”
The other aspect of new thought teaching that continues to be part of my moral compass is the concept that teaching and healing one another is part of our purpose on this plane. I know with my “Know” that as more positive states of thinking and being are carried forward by action as they manifest and become our experience of daily life.
When David and I met we began to study Eastern Religions. We discovered Fung Shui, Chinese Medicine and Buddhism and found many valuable lessons that expanded our philosophies about life. Once again we discovered parallels in Eastern and New Thought teachings that confirmed the Universality within many religious and spiritual paths. That is when we developed our ideas on the One-Song within the inter-connectedness of life...or the Consciousness of One.
As we continued to integrate the “whole person” aspects of these principles into our journey they assisted both of us in healing the daunting traumas that developed from dysfunctions within our earlier development. We knew by now that as we made our lives an “experiment in application” that their truly is no ceiling to how good life can be. That awareness has inspired us to keep on keeping on and questing after more knowledge. I am so thankful to have a partner who so openly accepts much of what I believe...and respects my views in the areas we may see things a little differently.
Within the mix of this growing spiritual development I found that whenever we attended ANY organized religious institution I continually found myself at odds with the patriarchal mindsets within many of the church leaders. This made the feminist in me uncomfortable and began to question where the Goddess aspects were? They certainly were a prevailing part of the ancient teachings and wanted to know why they had all but disappeared from “modern” religions. I knew from my theological studies that Mary Magdalene had been misrepresented in the bible and was not a prostitute, but was one of Jesus’ prime initiates. These events and the women’s movement led me to studies about feminine goddesses and Deities…and added feminist theology to my growing list of spiritual studies.
While attending University I took some Native Studies and I discovered the “Shamanic Way.” I began attending sweat lodges and meeting Aboriginal Elders. After trust levels developed with them they began sharing more of their traditional beliefs, traditions, rituals and healing systems. Within that same time frame a gal-pal friend introduced me to her Solitary Wicca practices. As I avidly studied shamanic ways and Wicca I could see some similarities within the power totems and respect for the natural world and everything within it. By this time some within my sphere of influence were began calling me a witch and pagan. To be sure they were right I researched the definers they were labeling me with…and not surprisingly they fit.
I knew that the word paganism’s word root came from the Latin interpretation of “paganus”…meaning “country dweller, rustic.” That fit being that my hubby David and I moved out of the city and became country dwellers in 1994. However, a more expansive interpretation is that the term Paganism often refers to various religions and religious beliefs from across the world. It has various meanings. From a Western perspective the modern connotations refer to faiths that include spiritualistic, shamanic, folk religion, historical polytheistic, mythology, animistic, as well as Eastern and Native American religions and practices. Many of us who pursue Pagan beliefs have accepted that the term is now broadly defined to encompass most of the religions outside of the Abrahamic, monotheistic group of Judaism, Christianity and Islam.
When I mentioned to David that I was planning to share our beliefs with others and asked him how we could summarize our spiritual beliefs. He put it this way: ”We are spiritual travelers who are willing to open our hearts and minds to all teachings that promote the Universal beliefs of love and respect for differences. We may have studied and integrated many different schools of thought…but each one has confirmed what we know to be true for us. We know there are many ways to more enlightened living and rather than labeling ourselves with one specific path we have chosen to put the best of each and do our best to live and "BE" them."
I paused for a moment and smiled…because he had nailed it. Perhaps I could have saved you this entire lengthy dissertation…but at least you know where I came from and how I arrived at this level of consciousness. Here is a quotation by Dale Carnegie that describes it more concisely than I did:
The ideas I stand for are not mine.
I borrowed them from Socrates.
I swiped them from Chesterfield.
I stole them from Jesus.
And I wrote them into my “book of life.”
And if you don’t like those rules…
Whose would you use?
And so it is.
