July 12, 2011 Celebrating 20 years of marriage.

Today is our 20th wedding anniversary and we are grateful for the friends on and off line who sent warm, anniversary greetings. Here are two special ones that were made by friends on our social forum on the Ning network. The first one was from Victor Cheong:

The second one is from Gaby...thank you both so much. David and I will treasure them forever.

David and I are often told that our love and bond is an inspiration to others and we are touched that we have together moves people that way. We understand that because after our first marriages broke up we said we'd never marry again. When we first connected it was by phone. One of David's coworkers told me to contact David when I was considering buying a computer. We started talking about everything else along with computers and our chat time was very intense for 6 weeks before I actually mustered the confidence to meet him in person.

I could feel myself falling in love with him over the phone and was concerned that the "magic" I felt might not be there when we saw each other face to face. Thankfully when David came to my apartment and I opened the door to see a 6 feet tall handsome guy standing there I was thrilled and the rest as they say is history.

Not that our path has always been smooth and easy. Quite the contrary David and I have had our fair share of family, personal, professional, health and financial challenges. What carried us through is our love and a dogged determination to work things out...because of our love for each other.

We met on July 15, 1990 and made a commitment then to keep the romance and magic in our relationship and we have. We are hopeless romantics and will be celebrating our the monthly anniversary of the day we met on Friday. 252 months and happily counting. We were married a year later on July 12, 1990.

When we are asked what makes our relationship work the first and most important thing in our view is openness and trust. Trust allows us to be who we are without fear of reprisal. Trust is built by congruency with what we say and what we do. Another thing is a respect for differences.

David and I do not want to be two souls in one body we are happy that we are strong, independent and different in some areas otherwise it would be mind-numbingly boring. Our differences keep our relationship fresh and growing and our individual strengths are better for a healthy union and our weaker areas are strengthened by the other. When we counsel  couples who are conflicted they are usually trying to remake their partners into an image of themselves rather than respecting the ways they are different.

Another key aspect in building healthy, honoring relationships is an ability to admit when an apology is due. Being able to admit that no one is "right" all the time nor is someone "wrong" all the time. We often ask..."would you rather be right or happy?" When ego governs relationships it will eventually erode things. David and I learned to ask ourselves whether what we say and do is a loving or unloving act ore response. Loving another involves sensitivity, self-responsibility and accountable choice making.

Walking our talk and being 'real" adds to trust levels and shows that we are heard, understood and accepted whether we agree or not. Open, honest communication is the way to resolve conflicts and once they are resolved let the issues go and move on. Going into revisionist history can lead to selective memory and dredging up the past can eclipse the joy in the present.

So friends those of you who have asked us how David and I are able to live and work together...those are some of the reasons why. Besides that we are best friends and there is a lot of truth in the quote that happiness is being married to your best friend. If any one of you has more tips and ideas about what makes and creates successful relationships please share them in a thread.

David and I are heading off to the beach tomorrow and are taking the rest of the week to do fun things together. We have traveled a lot of interesting roads during our 21 years and hope to be graced by Source with many, many more. We not only value the bond we have but all the friends on and off line that add sweetness, purpose and meaning that add so much to the quality of our lives. Whether you are in a partnered relationship or not you are in loving relationships with a lot of other people and that is something to celebrate. Whether it is family, friends, coworkers, community or pets loving and being loved is the greatest blessing of all. May we always remember that.