APOLOGIES THAT AREN"T

By Coralie Darsey-Malloy

WHY you do something
is more important
than HOW you do.

--Dr. Robert Anthony

Anyone with an once of awareness can see how many people resort to a offering apologies that have about as much weight as a feather, They are so superficial I cannot help but say, “Why bother?” These disingenuous apologies are not that hard to spot…but just in case you haven’t been exposed to them I’ll offer a couple of examples. In my view…it is all in the phrasing. “I am sorry YOU are upset.” Now admittedly this lovely little phrase does have a slightly apologetic flavor to it…but if you pause for a moment there is a double level message within it. What I hear is more self-serving. It goes like this. “Hmmmm if you are annoyed you might give me a hard time. If that occurs my needs won't met. So yes, I am really sorry you are upset…but not so much so that I am willing to take responsibility for me actions and admit that to you.”

If one listens closely this type of self-serving communication it is reaching epidemic proportions. Perhaps the prevalence of it in everyone from politicians, felons and everyday interaction is leaving people immune to it. I assume they are desensitized because no one seems to call anyone on it…especially in the media. There is no real effort made to hold people accountable…and that has been especially so within American politics and all their spin doctors who always dodge questions that would force them to answer the hard questions.

I was watching a television court show and there was a rapist who looked into the eyes of the victim and said in a monotone voice; “I am sorry for any pain the incident caused you and your family.” The family sat blankly staring as the perpetrator recited hollow words…and it was clear that his response only amplified their suffering. His insincere apology seemed to be a way of saying that he was sorry he got caught—not for the lasting impact of his choices upon the family. Speaking in a detached way about ‘the incident’ is a big red flag for me. A more authentic response would have revealed some understanding and regret about the ripple effect of their choices and how it altered the quality of someone else’s life.

Tainted apologies never include that. Most people are willing to pause for a moment if a sincere apology is offered. Within this exchange there is more openness to hearing the other person’s position. Compare an apology like this to the previous example. “I acted irresponsibly or my words were insensitive and I am truly sorry.” Or; “I will have to live with the pain and my actions have brought to you and your loved ones for the rest of my life. I deeply regret what I did and will have to live with that for the rest of my life. These types of apologies have a very different feel to it than apologies that ‘aren’t. ‘

There is another tract shameless apologizers take. They divert attention away from their actions and towards the other person’s responses. If they are really good manipulators they may even use the “I” word that doesn’t sound as accusatory as “you. The scenario plays out in this way; "I see that you are angry and perhaps we should talk about why YOU are having such an intense reaction. What a pile of malarkey! Especially if they present themselves as calm, cool and collected in the process. This veiled, verbal baloney attempts to avoid any remorse and indirectly suggests that any justifiable anger is the other person’s problem. Their condescending manner suggests that the injured party has no right to feel frustrated, hurt or annoyed. When that doesn’t achieve the desired effect they may pull out the guilt card and say,“YOU are making ME feel guilty!" At this point the injured party’s emotions often go through the roof. That type of self-centered behavior adds to the original wound and puts people on the defensive. Do shameless apologizers care? Not usually—because they are rooted in a need to indulge themselves in narcissist, self-absorbed behaviors rather than ‘getting real,’ growing up and owning their part within any conflicted situation.

Now let me clarify one thing here I am all for emotions of guilt, shame and remorse. They are a needed aspect of making sure we live consciously and are essential to maintaining a civilized society. An appropriate amount of remorse is always needed to set things right. That holds true for both sides within conflicted situations. What I am suggesting is that we hone our ‘c#@p’ detecting skills and hold immature cowards up to greater scrutiny. Is that really to much for us to expect? From my perspective those who genuinely want to ask for forgiveness need to be willing to request it within a spirit of authenticity. It might go something like this; “I feel very ashamed and remorseful about what I did…so much so that it is hard for me to ask for your forgiveness.” Another version of the sincere apology could be stated this way. “I can see things from your position. From where I am now it is clear that I may never be able to make up for my past mistakes—but I am going to do my best to learn from it and never do it again.”

Believe me I know how hard these heartfelt apologies are not easy to deliver. From both our professional and personal experiences David and I have had to get over ourselves on more than a few occasions. In our work in conflict resolution and mediation we have witnessed more than a few painful blow-ups because neither side was willing to truly accept responsibility for their part in any upset, During the many years we have been working in the communication field we have learned the importance of letting others know that there is recognition and acceptance of our errors in judgment…and a commitment to changing. Similarly we have a right to expect nothing less from others when we are on the receiving end. Anything less from both sides will only cause more hurt, regret and possibly inflame things even more. So the difference within the apologies that ARE versus the ones that AREN’T involve a mix of emotional maturity, self-responsibility and enough backbone to own up to our errors in judgment. It is only with this level of integrity that we can ever hope to use our transgressions as stepping stone to becoming people who live more conscious, honorable lives.